2002-01-11 : 1:18 a.m. : its over
By the time you read this (cliche i know), you will have not called me for what seems like eternity. I'm writing you this to tell you not to bother calling, if not ever, at least for a while. I’m sure Dave has told you about our conversation, and if not he’s just as careless a friend to you, as you both are to me. I’m not going to transcribe the conversation because it’s everything that you already know, and nothing that I ever did. I don’t exactly know where to go with this letter, or if it has a point at all other than to make you aware of what you did to me. And notify you of the fact that I don’t plan on speaking to you for quite sometime or Dave for that matter, in large part because neither of you were man enough to tell me things from the beginning.
Dave, because he was your little messenger boy and didn’t seem to care at all that what he said would hurt me, and you because after every opportunity I gave you, you were never straight forward with me and your idea of giving me a hint was not calling me anymore or returning my phone calls. How old are you Barrett? How long have we been friends and how good of friends are we, because last time I checked, calling someone back--giving them the common fucking courtesy of a returned phone call doesn’t mean you want to marry them. When I told Tim what Dave had said Tim stated (in your defense I might ad) that even if you didn’t want to have a "relationship " with me that you still really liked me as a friend and wanted to remain friends. Well instead of making you look better with that comment, he just made you look worse because it pointed out the fact that people who really care about each other and really care about the friendship, don’t hurt people like this by thinking that not returning my phone calls and having Dave tell me "he thinks if he calls you back, you will assume he wants to be with you” will give me a good clue. How stupid do you think I am? Yeah in a perfect world, everyone you love would love you back, but I have long given up the hope that some day it would be reciprocated. Honestly Barrett, you were the first guy I ever loved, and you have been successful, at being the first guy to ever really break my heart, and you haven’t even said a word--congratulations.
So with all that anger out of the way, I have some things that I need to say, and have needed to for quite a while now. I'm not sure if anything I've said during the course of our friendship was smart, but I want to do this anyway. I have realized that I can't pretend anymore that you will ever feel the same about me as I do about you. And it's humiliating to write this knowing that, but I don't really mind. I feel that I owe you this, though you have clearly shown no signs of feeling that you owe me anything at all, but then again, I've never had any pride when it came to you anyway. You know more of me than most, or at least you used to, so you probably don't mind either.
For so long I've held on to the hope that something would change. Well I have gotten my straight answer, so it's pointless now. I knew somewhere inside that a relationship with you was never possible, but I guess I just wanted the intimacy that we had to last as long as it could. I kept trying not to get attached. I mean, I already was, to the idea of you at least, So I just wanted things between us to be the best that they could while I was home. Over thanksgiving break it was apparent that things between us were different. It was the first trip home in a year where I didn’t get to stay with you, and sleep in your bed. I loved being able to snuggle up to you and talk and feel safe with no preconceived notions, and no worries about you judging me. But this time, aside from our hello and goodbye--You stopped touching me at all, and that was so hard for me. I felt like you didn't even want me to hug you anymore. Half of the things that I wanted from you were a hand to hold, and an arm around me. The rest of it was just a need for friendship. If the physical intimacy bothered you, I didn't need that. I missed it, but I didn't need to snuggle up next to you. But there is something about being physical that leads to a closeness between people. I mean I have had a little crush on you since the first time I saw you, I told you that, but it’s not the butterflies I miss. I miss how well I knew all of your looks and thoughts, and the fact that I knew we would end up talking till the sun came up at least one of the nights I was home. I miss the way your feet got tangled with mine when we slept, and I miss your smell. I miss that closeness that we had, but more so I miss the fact that I could lie in your room and tell you anything that I was thinking without worrying if it was stupid. I miss the way you think, and the comfortable atmosphere we had together.
This past trip I dint didn’t hang out with you because it was too hard. Before, when we hung out in a group we still shared something. I always knew that later we would sit in your room to talk, listen to music, watch a movie, or sleep—All this and we’ve never even kissed! We had that Barrett, and that doesn’t happen everyday. After thanksgiving it seemed like a wall got put up between us. No matter what I did I couldn't get past it. Maybe it was because everything is easier in the dark, or maybe its because you were afraid to get in too deep. You were still so sweet and kind to me, but you didn't share as much of yourself with me. I couldn't handle that.
During this time I kept hanging on to the idea that things would go back to the way that they were. When different guys approached me, I just said no. I hurt a few people because they weren't you. All I could think about was you, and I didn't want to be with anyone else. And I guess I thought that it might hurt you seeing me with someone else, cause I knew it would hurt me seeing you with some one else. I also didn't see how I could do it. I loved you; everyone else knew that but you, and that's why I’m telling you now. I was so confused with how I felt and how you felt, and I think that I just wanted to straighten things out. I had no idea how you felt about me anymore, and I doubted that you knew how much I felt. After that wall got put up I couldn't tell if you felt anything for me anymore. I probably shouldn't have said all those things that I did when we talked at night, but I kept assuming that the only reason that you didn't want to be close to me was because you were trying to protect me or yourself from getting hurt, because I lived far away. But now I know I was mistaken. I cried myself to sleep so many nights lying beside you, because I knew that was the closest I would ever get to being with you, and it killed me. Every time I tried to bring up my feelings, and the situation during our talks about the future and stuff, I didn't know what I wanted you to say. Even "I don't love you" would have at least stopped me from feeling so confused. I just didn't expect you to pretend like I didn’t exist. That hurt probably more than "I don't love you" could have. Because then my feelings would have at least meant something to you. But maybe this was just your way of saying it.
So, I guess I'm giving up. Our feelings are not the same, and there is nothing I can do about it. I get teary eyed every time I think about you now, but I look back so glad that I knew you. It seems strange to think that I have only known you for about 3 years and the older I get the more I realize how short a time that really is, but I met you in a part of my life where I was so vulnerable. And I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. You taught me so much about who I am and who I want to be. You made me realize that I am strong, and that I can get through the shit my family puts me through. You taught me to see the bigger picture, and you showed me that there are still good people in this crazy, fucked up world. You protected me when I needed it, you listened to me when I had something to say, and you cared about who I was and what I was going through. I hope that you will always remember me with affection, because I can never say that I wish I'd never met you.
I love you Barrett for the person that you are, and for the person that you want to be. I guess this is one form of a goodbye. I am going to quit hoping that things will change and just be satisfied with what you are willing to give. I'm going to move on from those hopes, always knowing that I was happy with you for a time.
Kendra
